I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week Two weeks ago
I gotta be honest with y’all: I had to look up who FCD played before the international break. I’m now in my 50s and it was two weeks ago. To be honest, you can ask me at 7:00 in the evening most days what I had for lunch earlier and it ain’t exactly a 100% chance that I’m giving you the right answer.
But FCD played in Portland, it finished 0-0, and it was kind of weird. First off, Maarten Paes was still out injured, so Jimmy Maurer got another curtain call and got the chance to wipe the taste of that loss to San Jose out of his mouth.
And Petar Musa, the team’s leading scorer, was benched for all 90 minutes, so it was left to everyone’s favorite rookie Logan Farrington to pick up the slack. He was fine, but he also showed a couple of times why he’s not commanding eight-figure transfer fees. Finally, after playing three in the back all season and doing so not terribly well, they returned to four in the back, albeit with no Nkosi Tafari and with Marco Farfan as a center back, and… they didn’t look too bad.
Those last two items give me a little bit of pause, and it makes me think that this game was actually the start of Peter Luccin’s audition for the coaching job. By that, I mean this: The previous few months since he took over, Luccin was doing the things he had to do to try and get this team into the playoffs, which he had a good go at. But what you can do when you take over midseason is kind of limited to tinkering, irrespective of all the things you think need to be done, since the team has been attempting to play in a certain way since January. A mechanic might see all the things your engine needs done to it, but if you’re in because of a bad alternator, you’re just getting a new alternator.
Now that they’re out? Well, this is Luccin’s opportunity to say, “This is what I would do if I had the job full-time”: Play a different formation and get the attention of a couple of players.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Philadelphia Union vs. FC Cincinnati (MLS Season Pass, 5:00)
When MLS scheduled this game for Decision Day, you can tell that they were thinking that the stakes would be a bit higher. Two of the best teams in the Eastern Conference over the last several years. A safe bet for a high-stakes game, right?
Well, at least there are still ✨playoff implications✨ in this game. Not for Cincy, mind you. They’re locked as the #3 seed in the East. Once upon a time, they were challenging Miami for the top spot in the East. But then, they fell off badly in the second half of the season while Miami kept chugging along and they got passed by Columbus, and are going into this game with nothing to play for since they’re now seven points behind Columbus and four points ahead of Orlando.
No, the ✨playoff implications✨ are for Philly. Let’s be frank: It’s been a terrible season for the Union. They spent a good chunk of the season closer to the bottom of the East than to the playoff line, but since July, they’ve been, well, not hot, but warm. And if they win this one and have either DC or Montreal lose and they’re on their way to the play-in game. And if both DC and Montreal lose, Philly will host the play-in game.
By the way, there’s Seattle-Portland happening on Saturday, but the only things on the line in that game are whether Seattle finishes #3 or #4 and whether Portland finishes #8 or #9. And besides, how many times do we need to hear from Seattle and Portland fans about how their rivalry is the greatest rivalry known to humankind?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly, because honestly, it would turn my stomach a lot less to see them in the playoffs than either of the marginally competent teams immediately in front of them.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Austin FC vs. Colorado Rapids (MLS Season Pass, 8:00)
OK, sure, Little Brother Orange’s game against the Galaxy is probably gonna be better, but who really cares if the Orange finish 5th or 7th in the West or if the Gals hold off their little brother for the top spot in the West? Not I.
And to be honest, this game doesn’t have ✨playoff implications✨ or even much in the way of stakes. Little Brother Green is already eliminated and Colorado is just ensuring that they’re not in the play-in game.
But this is a column devoted to hatin’ and shit-talkin’. So the important thing here is that Little Brother Green is in 10th with 39 points and FCD is in 11th with 38. So there are not ✨playoff implications✨, but there are “these shitheads in green have to finish behind FCD… again” implications.
And let’s talk for a moment about those shitheads in green. There have been rumors and allegations made over the last few years that they were operating at a different level than their big brothers in Dallas and Houston, that they had “ambition” and that they had unearthed a hidden gem of soccer fandom. This is not calling anyone out in particular, by the way, because it was a widely-held notion among many otherwise serious soccer writers.
Mind you, all of that would’ve required that Anthony Precourt’s brain grew three sizes since burning every single bridge in Columbus, but anything’s possible, I suppose. (Incidentally, nothing has made him look even more like a dope than the Crew getting a new stadium in Columbus and winning two championships since he sold them.)
So how are we feel about those takes now, with Little Brother Green having spent its first four years with a coach in his first-ever gig, missing the playoffs in three of those four seasons, making a bunch of “who the hell is that guy?” signings, having Jáder Obrian being their big signing of the 2023-24 offseason, and the proliferation of empty seats at Q2 Stadium? Forget being Miami or Atlanta or LAFC, you dopes are store-brand FC Dallas.
Enjoy your offseason, clowns.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Colorado, who have great ownership if you only look at the Nuggets and Avalanche.
”Let’s Pretend to Care About the Eastern Conference” Game of the Week
Orlando City vs. Atlanta United (MLS Season Pass, 5:00)
Speaking of the former Flavor of the Week Atlanta United, they’re still in playoff contention and if they win and get some help, they’ll sneak into the play-in game. So… hooray. Mind you, it’s a big drop-off from where they were six years ago when they were lifting up MLS Cup and the were being feted as MLS’ newest big club. If they don’t sneak in, it’ll be the third time in the six seasons since the 2018 MLS Cup that they’ve missed the playoffs, but they did have the 2019 Open Cup.
Life comes at you fast, I guess.
To get into the playoffs, they’ll have to beat their opposite number in Orlando. Before they hired a coach near and dear to our hearts for the 2020 season, they had never made the MLS Cup playoffs — ever — in their club history. In the five years since then, they’ve never missed the playoffs and they won the 2022 Open Cup. They’re comfortably in the playoffs, and their only ✨playoff implications✨ are trying to hold onto the #4 seed and the home-field advantage in the first round and not getting passed by NYCFC, who are currently two points back.
What’s even better is that this represents a major turnaround from where they started the season, when they were down near the bottom of the East for the first half of the season. But hey, good, experienced coaches can figure things out and maximize their strengths, and get results, and turn things around. A truly shocking concept. If only FCD’s management had that same view.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Orlando, because of my long-standing pro-Óscar Pareja bias and because it’s genuinely funny that Atlanta keeps drawing great crowds for cheap concessions and a team that isn’t that great.
Sickos Game of the Week
Inter Miami vs. New England Revolution (MLS Season Pass, 5:00)
Some people ask me how I pick the game for this slot every week — OK, nobody asks this, but theoretically, they might — and I tell them that it’s the game that you least want to watch that week, either because two terrible teams are gonna be having a bumfight or a good team is gonna be taking a crummy team out to the woodshed.
This is the latter, which brings me no small amount of joy in the case of New England. Caleb Porter is a complete schmuck, he consistently acts like the smartest guy in the room, and it is enjoyable to watch him find new ways on a weekly basis to try to shirk responsibility as his team drops game after game.
It’s especially enjoyable when you consider that this was a good team last year. They were cruising to a top-four finish in the East with Bruce Arena as their manager until Arena was canned for reasons that have remained so secret that the CIA is genuinely impressed. They finished last season by losing four of their last seven, and the rot has continued into this season and left Caleb Porter befuddled most weeks.
And to finish this crummy season, they get to travel to Ft. Lauderdale to play Inter Miami, who have already clinched the Supporters Shield and if they beat the Revs, they’ll set the league record for points in a season, which was set by… New England in 2021. And what’s more, they’ve done this without the greatest player of our generation for half the season, due to injury, rotation, and callup.
So while the Revs will be breaking the pregame huddle with “1-2-3-CANCUN,” Inter Miami will be gunning for a league record. And that’s why this is the Sickos Game of the Week.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, because I’m a hater and I don’t want for Miami to get the record and I’m a hater and I don’t want Caleb Porter to have nice things like wins. And I don’t think that Messi should win league MVP after missing half the season. C’mon now.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Sporting Kansas City (MLS Season Pass, 8:00)
This will be the last time we see FC Dallas until February or March and well, it’s been a weird season. We went from the eternal optimism of preseason to contemplating the possibility of having the worst season in club history in May and June to contemplating the possibility of making the playoffs in August to sitting here on Decision Day with the team already eliminated, but not by too many points.
It was a season of constant change. But some things are constant like Peter Vermes continued presence on the Kansas City touchline, Peter Vermes’ constant “’80s teen movie villain” vibes, and the fact that Kansas City must go down and go down hard.
If there’s something that regular readers of this column will note, it’s that I hate the team formerly known as the Kansas City Wizards, formerly known as the Kansas City Wiz. They are not a little brother — they are every bit as old of a club as FC Dallas — but they are this club’s oldest rival.
It’s not even a matter of wanting to finish ahead of SKC. That’s been clinched for a couple of weeks. FC Dallas should want to beat Sporting Kansas City for the sake of beating Sporting Kansas City. Make it hurt, make Peter Vermes turn shades of red and purple on the sideline. Pound them into a smooth paste because it’s a good thing.
(And finish in front of Little Brother Green, if Colorado cooperates.)