I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
“Complaining about boring football is a little like complaining about the sad ending of King Lear: it misses the point somehow.” — Nick Hornby
Hornby is an old-school fan of Boring Boring Arsenal, so he is a bit of a subject matter expert in the area of boring football. And after last Saturday night, we’re all a little bit more knowledgeable on the subject.
Mind, I don’t think that the visiting little brothers were too upset about the 0-0 result. They’re in 12th place now and are on a seven-game unbeaten run (three wins, four draws) and are interested in collecting points in whatever way they can. And if it means killing the game and not letting FCD beat them on speedy transitions, so be it. So they did.
And this didn’t suit FCD well. Mind you, Our Heroes still had two golden opportunities that would’ve gone in on any other day, but neither went in on this day, so 0-0 it ended.
And for you perverts who care about such things, FCD won the 2026 edition of Copa Tejas with the result.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Philadelphia Union vs. Orlando City (Apple TV, 6:30)
The old-timers among us, myself included, will remember the early years of MLS when they didn’t break for international windows. Hell, they played right through the World Cup in 1998 and 2002 and 2006 and didn’t break at all. I remember that the Burn had a watching party for the USA-Iran game in 1998 at one of the many halls at Fair Park and an MLS regular season game shortly afterwards. Needless, everyone was in great spirits after the watching party.
It really wasn’t too big of a deal, since most teams didn’t have players that anyone wanted to call up, save for the Central American players and the USMNT players that MLS had, but MLS has steadily moved toward shutting down for international breaks over the last couple of decades, especially as the number of MLS players on the rosters of national teams all over the world has increased. Mind you, every team still has to play one or two games during the breaks, but not all, and you only get a scattering of four or five games during international windows. It’s fine.
So this weekend is a bit of a throwback. The league’s playing a full schedule this weekend, and the list of players missing is insane.
For this game, I’d love to talk about how Cavan Sullivan is looking like he’s gonna be the real deal, but he ain’t gonna be in Chester. He’s gonna be in Orlando with the USMNT. Andre Blake is gonna be with Jamaica. Marco Pašalić is gonna be with our boy Petar in the Croatian team.
So it’s gonna be kind of a random generator how both of these teams are gonna look. And it’s a shame, because this is one of the few games that would be worth watching this weekend if both rosters were intact.
Moreover, it would be a truly interesting game because both teams were declared deader-than-dead at various points this season. Orlando started insanely badly and got Óscar Pareja canned. Philly took a while longer to can Bradley Carnell, waiting until the World Cup break, but since the return to league play in July, they haven’t lost once, winning nine times and drawing twice, vaulting from 15th to 6th.
Orlando hasn’t been quite as hot as Philly since firing Papi, but they’ve tightened up at the back a bit and had Antoine Griezmann doing Antoine Griezmann things, and they’ve steadily climbed up the table and are now 7th.
As I said, it would’ve been a great game if both teams were playing with full rosters, but now? Eh.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: I just hope both teams’ scrubs have fun and no one gets hurt.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. Sporting Kansas City (Apple TV, 7:30)
Amazingly, this is a game where neither team has lost anyone of consequence to international call-up. Well, it’s not so amazing that Honorary Little Brother SKC hasn’t lost anyone. Much like people who are in the dating scene have various red flags and deal-killers in potential dating partners, I imagine that playing for Sporting Kansas City would be somewhat of a deal-killer for potential international call-up.
So this should be a game contested between teams with mostly full rosters. Not that it’ll help the Sporks. They stink. They have stunk since they entered the season without a completely full roster. When you have collected 18 points in 25 games, there’s no way around it. Hilariously, though, they beat LAFC 3-1 two weeks ago and had a 3-0 lead on the Union before they compounded the hilarity by losing 4-3. Still, that’s three points in two games, which is a far better pace than they have managed all season.
But these are two teams that have multiple decades of my not liking them, so I want them to both lose at all times. That particular result is impossible, so I’m rooting for comedy.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Kansas City, because it would be funnier.
Sickos Game of the Week
All of them, really.
Even if MLS weren’t playing during an international break and all the rosters were mostly intact, subject to injury and suspension, you’d have more junk to choose from than on the premises of Sanford and Son.
But rosters across the league have been decimated this weekend, and you’re still watching any other game than the FCD game; congratulations, you’re a sicko.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV, 7:30)
If we’re keeping it 💯, this game maybe could and should be in the Superclásico spot. FCD’s currently tied for 2nd in the West and is technically 4th on tiebreakers. And LAFC, while they’re currently in 6th, has traditionally found itself in the neighborhood where FCD is currently located. And by the way, they’re only three points back.
But it’s the fact that LAFC is currently in 6th that has LAFC fans hopping mad:
My three reactions here:
- LOL
- LMAO
- You cats think you’re FCD fans or something? Go 30 years without a championship, and you bozos would forget how to get to BMO Stadium, kind of like how you forgot how to get to Chivas USA games back in the day.
But yeah, people who act like they’re entitled to watch an American version of Real Madrid when they’re watching MLS are wild to me. No, you do not get that. I don’t want to hear about your endless suffering when your team is in playoff position. I don’t want to hear about how your club doesn’t spend money when you have Son Heung-Min and Denis Bouanga… only two of FIVE different multimillion-dollar players on the roster.
You clowns thought Steve Cherundolo was the worst coach in the world, and before him, you thought that Bob Bradley was the worst coach in the world. Their crime? Not winning every trophy known to mankind. So I’m delighted that you’ve ended up with a coach who established in Vancouver that he wasn’t that great. But still, the fact that you’ve been up his butt for almost the entire season amazes me.
And when FCD prolongs your temporary loss of privilege on Saturday night, nothing will delight me more.