I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
Eric Quill decided to give his big boys a bit of a break. It’s only right. They’d been going two games a week since the beginning of August, all on the road. Look at the locations where they’ve played since the beginning of the month, consider that all of them but one required a few hours apiece on a plane and/or a bus, airports, airport security, sleeping in a strange bed multiple nights a week, and on and on, and the fact that they pulled out four wins was impressive.
That came to a halt rather abruptly in Vancouver. The Caps lost the previous game at home against Little Brother Orange, and Jesper Sørensen decided that that would not do and rolled out a full-strength XI against FCD’s reserves. And oh yeah, Ryan White returned from injury as well. The game went pretty much how you’d think it would and was over at halftime.
Besides, the real news of the week came after the game. For those of you whose Croatian is a little rusty, here’s the gist:
A lot of people are comparing it to Pepi’s contract extension right before he moved, but c’mon y’all:
- Our boy is 28, not an 18-year-old talent.
- Pepi’s new contract took him up to a salary of $500,000 a year, which is something that lots of clubs can match and improve on, while Musa is already making roughly $3 million a year.
Just sayin’… The number of clubs that’ll be willing to fork over a rather high transfer fee AND match a multimillion-dollar salary for a 28-year-old is not that big. It could happen, but he’s gonna need to keep bagging the goals for FCD and for Croatia to make that happen. Until then, it looks like we’re gonna see him for a little while.
On the other hand, FCD hasn’t announced a new deal yet, so this might be beyond premature. Still a more fun discussion topic than talking about FCD got pounded into a smooth paste in Vancouver.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Colorado Rapids vs. Real Salt Lake (Apple TV, 8:30)
“Hey, aren’t both these teams below FCD in the Western Conference standings?”
Yes, they are. But hey, it’s a rivalry game, and both of them are at least in playoff position, so here we are. And it’s the WALMART 💥 SATURDAY 💥 SHOWDOWN 💥💥💥. And it’s fun for me because this is RSL’s second trip to Dick’s Sporting Goods Park this week.
You might ask how the first trip went. Not well. In the Leagues Cup Quarterfinal Wednesday night, they played León at The Dick and got smoked 3-0. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but it was a joke that they got this far. They got three home games, against Tigres, Atlante, and Juárez, and guess which one they didn’t win in regulation. (Hint: The one game against the team who has won four Liga MX titles and a CONCACAF Champions Cup in the last decade.) But once they had to get on a plane for a game, even a short flight to the other side of the Rockies, they got smoked.
Colorado wasn’t in Leagues Cup last year because they stunk. Actually, they didn’t stink that bad. They were only three points behind FCD, who did make the playoffs and were in Leagues Cup this year. But they’re better this year, at least for the moment. I say “for the moment” because they’ve busy lately:
That’s pretty impressive stuff by the Rapids. I guess that Stan Kroenke remembered that he’s got a soccer team in Commerce City, not just one in north London. But let me just take a moment to share the headline from Burgundy Wave about that last move of former FCD fan favorite Dante Sealy:
I mean, if you gotta tell people that…
Anyway, Colorado and Utah don’t like each other. The Rapids and RSL don’t like each other. This game’s for the much-vaunted Rocky Mountain Cup. And I got to rip Leagues Cup again. Plus, this game is gonna be better than most of the other games on offer.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. San Jose Earthquakes (Apple TV, 7:30)
Little Brother Orange was riding high and top of the Western Conference this time last week. They had just gone to Vancouver, pulled off a nice road win, and were on their way to St. Louis. (Why doesn’t this sound like foreshadowing?)
Unfortunately for them, they lost in St. Louis. (Man, I hope this isn’t foreshadowing) And with Vancouver’s decimation of FCD, they also lost the top spot in the West. Still, neither they nor FCD had the worst weekend last weekend.
That honor belongs to your San Jose Earthquakes, who lost at home to Minnesota United 5-1 — you know, Minnesota United that are currently 10th in the West. Did Timo Werner play for San Jose? You bet! He started, scored on a penalty in the fourth minute, after which the Loons scored the next three goals to lead 3-1 at half, then scored another two unanswered in the second half to make their point loud and clear.
Worse still for the Quakes, this was only the latest indignity to befall them. They have only won once in their last 12 games in all competitions, a 3-1 win in Portland back on May 23. In the six games since MLS returned from the World Cup break, they have collected one single point a 1-1 draw over the Galaxy at Stanford Stadium on July 25.
FC Dallas has more wins at PayPal Park since April than the San Jose Earthquakes. And the funniest part? San Jose is still tied with FCD for fourth place in the West. I guess that racking up nine wins in February, March, and April came in handy.
What’s more, they hired Gavin Wilkinson as a “consultant” on August 7. You might remember Wilkinson from his prominent place in the Yates Report. For those who don’t, the Yates Report included the following items from Wilkinson’s time as the president of both the Timbers and Thorns:
- He dismissed head coach Paul Riley for cause due to sexual coercion of multiple Thorns players, then turned around and recommended Riley for another gig in the NWSL.
- He failed to report domestic violence allegations against the Timbers’ Andy Polo, which got the Timbers a fine from MLS.
This is a guy who should be working in something other than soccer, but he was given a “consultant” gig by Bruce Arena, who himself was reinstated by the league in the last couple of years after being suspended indefinitely for [REDACTED]. It’s so bad that the Quakes’ NWSL tenants at PayPal Park, Bay FC, felt the need to issue a statement calling out the Quakes.
FCD fans can be forgiven for referring to Shell Energy Stadium as a hive of scum and villainy, but holy crap. The Little Brothers’ crimes are mostly against the sport of soccer, not actual crimes that’ll get you arrested.
It doesn’t mean, however, that I want them to win.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Sickos Game of the Week
Sporting Kansas City vs. Vancouver Whitecaps (Apple TV, 7:30)
While I was watching the ritual sacrifice of FCD last Saturday night, it occurred to me at one point that I hadn’t thought about or been made to think about Thomas Müller in a few minutes. Don’t get this twisted. Müller is a great player, and he’s been great for the Caps, but he doesn’t exert the same gravitational force that other stars in this league do.
When you’re watching Miami, it’s Messi this and Messi that and Luis Suárez this and Luis Suárez that. When you’re watching LAFC, it’s the same with Son and Bouanga. Hell, even with FCD, the announcers can’t resist yammering about our Large Croatian Son. Don’t believe me? At halftime, with FCD down 4-0, the Apple PxP couldn’t resist telling us about how Musa was coming on in the second half, and maybe he could do something about that 4-0 deficit. (First, I’m not sure why Musa got 45 minutes at that point, and second, c’mon man, it’s 4-0.)
But not with Müller and Vancouver, probably because Vancouver’s got about 15 different ways to beat you and Thomas Müller is part of only a few of them, as evidenced by Ryan White’s first-half brace.
I said all that to point out that by all rights, the Caps should craphammer SKC on Saturday night. SKC is terrible, and I’m not fooled by all the moves they’ve been making lately. If they were so damn bright at player acquisition, they wouldn’t be taking L’s from everybody and their brothers this season. Their biggest win has been to convince the Sounders to give them $6 million for Dejan Joveljic. (Now watch, this’ll end up being a classic Sounders midseason acquisition that helps them completely turn their season around.)
But I want the Caps to destroy the Sporks. Not just because I have a decades-long dislike of the club formerly known as the Wiz and the Wizards, but that would be a good enough reason in and of its. No, I want them to beat the Sporks because I don’t want FCD to have taken a worse L than the sorry, no-account Sporks.
Petty? Yep. What do you want from the Hatewatching Guide?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: The complete destruction of Sporting Kansas City
Good Guys Game of the Week
St. Louis City vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV, Sunday at 6:00)
At the other end of Missouri, Our Heroes will be visiting St. Louis for SUNDAY ⚡ NIGHT ⚡ SOCCER ⚡⚡⚡. It’ll be the final leg of FCD’s Road Trip from Hell, although it turned out less hellish than we all feared. FCD got four wins and two draws in league play and two wins — one of which was in North Texas SC’s house — in Leagues Cup. And because of that, they come into Sunday’s game tied for fourth in the West.
But first, they have one final game to take care of, against a team that hasn’t lost in any competition since May 3, 12 matches in total. Okey doke.
St. Louis is obviously not a bad team. They are currently tied with FCD and San Jose for fourth in the West with 33 points, which bums me out because I had gotten used to writing a bunch of “St. Louis stinks” cracks, making a few cracks about their revolving door head coach policy, and call it a day. Great writing? No, but all 100% truthful. (The Hatewatching Guide: Your most trusted source for sports hate.)
So now that St. Louis has managed to get themselves into playoff position and has a coach who’ll survive more than a season, I’m somewhat at a loss. They got rid of their doofus sporting director, Lutz Pfannenstiel, who has found his level by stepping down to the Scottish Premiership and becoming Director of Football at Aberdeen, who finished ninth, which doesn’t sound too bad until you consider that the Scottish Premiership only has 12 clubs. Still, congratulations to him on not getting them relegated.
None of their players are especially hateable. I note that a disproportionate number of them have German surnames, but hey, you can understand why I wouldn’t find that particularly problematic. Besides, half of FCD’s roster is made up of players whose resumés include Brazilian clubs, so you know, these things happen.
The fans are pretty non-offensive and passionate. Certainly they don’t have skinhead elements that infests the NYCFC supporters or the epidemic levels of entitlement that you find in the LAFC and Seattle supporters. The city’s questionable culinary choices are well-known, but hey, they pale next to Cincinnati’s crimes against humanity.
In short, FCD is finishing its road trip against one of the more inoffensive teams in Major League Soccer, located in one of America’s finest cities with lots of history and tradition in American soccer. Sure, they produced Ty Keough, who gave us years of tired cliches on the mic while doing color commentary on all sorts of soccer broadcasts. Wait, St. Louis also gave us someone else…
He’ll be on the mic on Sunday night! Gird your loins, fellow FCD fans, for some all-timer homer calls by a St. Louis native on an ostensibly unbiased national broadcast. (Or just switch to the broadcast en español.)