I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
It’s a song about LA drug dealing off of a sonically perfect, but over-produced and cold album, produced by a couple of perfectionist dorks from New York who wouldn’t make another album for 20 years. It’s musical botox. Somehow it seems apropos for a week when FCD is in suburban LA.
Last week
If one were to ask me what FCD did well last weekend in San Diego, I’d have to think long and hard before I came up with the following two items:
- Nobody got sent off.
- Nobody got arrested in America’s Finest City (or in Tijuana, I guess).
Other than that, it was terrible:
- Lost ❌
- Shut out ❌
- Out-possessed ❌
- Terrible to watch ❌
- Injury ❌
It was so bad that Buzz and special guest host Dennis McGowan spent more time talking about a Dallas Trinity preseason friendly against a WPSL team on 3rd Degree the Podcast than they did about the San Diego game. And if that previous statement is actually true and not just something I wrote for comic effect, I 100% agree with it.
And the thing about it is this: They only lost 1-0. And they had chances to tie it late. So there’s only one obvious conclusion here, namely that San Diego is trash.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Vancouver Whitecaps vs. Los Angeles FC (Apple TV, 6:30)
Bet you thought I was gonna write about Portland-Seattle, didn’t you? Look, it’s the featured game on FS1 — which, although it’s a cable channel, is NOT a paywall, according to herbs on the Internet — and The Man wants you to think that it’s the greatest history American soccer has ever seen, but those clowns are 8th and 10th in the West. There’s actually a better game.
That game is this one, which pits the two teams tied at the top of the Western Conference against one another. It’s got Thomas Müller. It’s got Son Heung-Min! It’s got Vancouver’s coach complaining about the field at BC Place!
Wait, what?
Although I want to crack wise about how Vancouver’s coach shouldn’t be making these sorts of complaints after a year and a half on the job, it’s a new field, and it’s thicker and longer than the old field. Fine. But he’s still welcome to move the game to the cow pasture that is the field at Snapdragon Stadium.
Honestly though, this feels like somebody with the province called up the BC Lions, a.k.a. the Canadian football team that is the other major tenant at BC Place, and asked, “Hey, the Caps will be out of here in a few months. Or maybe in a few years. Whatever. What do you guys want in a new field?” Just sayin’… a longer, thicker field is more amenable to a football team. The truth is out there, y’all.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Vancouver. I just want Marc dos Santos to complain about the field after the game.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Colorado Rapids vs. Austin FC (Apple TV, 7:30)
The other possibility for this slot was the SKC-Little Brother Orange game, and well, I noped out on that because I wrote about the Sporks last week, and I’m not gonna write about those clowns two weeks in a row if I don´t have to. And really, I don’t want to write about a game where the Orange is actually demonstrably better than their opponents.
But I’ll bet there are gonna be plenty of good seats available in the Soccer Capital of America. (Insert laugh track here.)
Instead, I’ll write about that currently has three head coaches on the hook in some fashion:
- Nico Estévez, their now-former head coach
- Davy Arnaud, who’ll be the interim for more than half the 2026 season
- Jim Curtin, who’ll be the head coach starting in 2027
I have no idea if he’s under contract still, but as short as Estévez’s tenure was, maybe they’re still paying Josh Wolff. I’d actually be impressed at that because they’d be paying every guy who had ever been head coach at their club. Not too many teams can say that. Maybe the Cowboys when Jerry Jones bought the team, fired Tom Landry, and hired Jimmy Johnson. (Local angle!)
But I almost feel bad for Arnaud. Not only does he have “former Kansas City Wizards player” in his bio, but he’s also in an impossible situation at the moment. If you’re a Little Brother Green player, you should know the following things: First, that the folks in the stands are try-hard dweebs. Second, Davy Arnaud is already fired at the end of the season. Ideally, these guys would be busting their asses for the coach, whoever he is and whatever his circumstances are. But… they know he’s a short-timer, so why bother?
So if their performance in Houston was any indication, that’s one team that we won’t have to worry about for the playoffs. They should learn from their big brothers to the north, fire a guy a midseason, give the interim plenty of hope that he can actually win the permanent job by having the team look respectable the remainder of the season, then hire someone else. I know that Jim Curtin probably has reasons for not wanting to move to Austin in July, but these feel like reasons that could’ve been sorted out with a proper application of money.
It certainly feels like something an ambitious club would do. Of course, why would anyone use the word “ambition” about any Anthony Precourt-owned team?
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: The club that’s owned by the guy who also owns the Denver Nuggets (recent NBA champs), the Colorado Avalanche (recent NHL champs), and Arsenal (current Premier League champs), but forgets that he has a club in Commerce City.
Sickos Game of the Week
Philadelphia Union vs. Atlanta United (Apple TV, 6:30)
I should call this the “Life Comes at You Fast Game of the Week.”
Not too many years ago, I would’ve had this game in the top slot. Atlanta won MLS Cup in 2018, spent a number of years being pretty good, and providing a reason to go to Mercedes-Benz Stadium that didn’t crush your soul the way the Falcons regularly do.
And Philly? They’re the ding-dang Supporters Shield holders for the next couple of months!
But, uh, life comes at you fast. Now these two clubs are fighting it out for the Wooden Spoon and are 14th and 15th in the Eastern Conference. And each has done it in a very amusing way.
Atlanta has spent more money on transfer fees the last couple of seasons than FCD has in its entire history. They’ve brought back Miguel Almirón. They’ve brought back Tata Martino. They’re trying to make it 2018 again through science or magic. And they are dead last in the Eastern Conference.
Meanwhile, Philly fired the single most successful coach in their entire history, the man who was in charge as they grew from a backfiring clown car of a club into a club that stomped through the Eastern Conference like Godzilla through Tokyo. They then hired Bradley Carnell, who had a fabulous first season before he ran the team into the ground and got fired halfway through the second season. But that was St. Louis. They fire coaches all the time. It’s what they do. And sure enough, Carnell led Philly to the Supporters Shield in 2025, ran the Union straight into the ground to start 2026, and was fired on May 27.
I can’t wait to see which team is dumb enough to say, “Surely, he wasn’t the problem.” I would hope that it’ll be Little Brother Orange, but Ben Olsen’s greatest talent appears to not be anything as a player, but holding onto coaching gigs well past the point where everyone recognizes that he ain’t that great.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Philly, because it’s genuinely funny to see Tata Martino’s coaching career reduced to this.
Good Guys Game of the Week
LA Galaxy vs. FC Dallas (Apple TV, 9:30)
Speaking of “it’s funny to see them reduced to this,” we have the LA Galaxy. Yes, I know. They’ve won five MLS Cups. They’ve appeared in a bunch more MLS Cup finals. They’ve won a bunch of other trophies.
And now, they’re DC United.
“That’s just mean, Dustin. They won that MLS Cup a couple years ago.”
Sure, but FC Dallas legend Greg Vanney is currently in his sixth season in charge in Carson. In the previous five:
2021 – Missed the playoffs
2022 – Lost to LAFC in the second round of the playoffs
2023 – Missed the playoffs
2024 – ✨MLS CUP✨
2025 – Missed the playoffs
2026 – Currently 11th in the West
The last time they made the playoffs back-to-back seasons was Bruce Arena’s last season in charge, 2016. In the 10 seasons since then, they’ve made the playoffs four times and missed the playoffs six times. But they won that one MLS Cup.
And that’s why I hate them. They’re turning into MLS’ answer to the guy who peaked in college, to the amusement of everyone, and then all of a sudden — BAM — out of nowhere comes an MLS Cup. Meanwhile, FC Better Than You Think and the New York We Had The Longest Playoff Streak In League History haven’t ever managed one in 30 years.
So no, I don’t feel sorry for them. I don’t feel sorry that LAFC has taken their city from them. I don’t feel sorry that Riqui Puig is currently competing with Geovane Jesus for having the most saddening setbacks in their multi-season recovery from major injuries. I don’t feel sorry for anything bad that happens to them. Because they still end up falling ass-backwards into glory.
So it’ll feel good to watch FCD put them to the sword, but I know that they’ll do some dumb shit like “make the playoffs on the final day of the season when an entirely improbable sequence of events happens, then win MLS Cup.”
