I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Musical accompaniment
Last week
It was nice of FCD and the Timbers to give us some good old-fashioned MLS After Dark to get us back into the rhythm of the season. Our man Petar once again showed why nobody ever seems to mention how much he cost the club, mostly because he’s been worth every dadgummed penny. And if the game didn’t have that pesky stoppage time, we’d be talking about how he’d be a bargain at twice the price.
But alas, stoppage time does exist in MLS, and has since 2000. And when I saw Kaick — who otherwise was pretty good the previous 90 minutes — get beaten down the right wing, I immediately got a bad feeling about how things were about to go. And they did go that way. So much for the first win in Portland since 2016. I guess FCD doesn’t get to break all their long road winless streaks this season.
But at least Santi Moreno got to annoy the Neckbeard Army a little.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
San Jose Earthquakes vs. LA Galaxy (Apple TV, 9:30)
Some of you might think that I’m going with this game only because I’m an MLS old-timer. How dare you. After all, the Gals kinda stink again this season. They were already kinda smelly before the break, and then during the break, they sold Gabriel Pec to Cruzeiro for $13.5 million. Good business for the Galaxy, but after losing at home 3-0 to LAFC and 3 -1 on the road in St. Louis in their return to play, they’d better hope that they can do something with that dough quick. (For his part, Pec suffered a fractured tibia on Wednesday in his debut for Cruzeiro against Internacional, so nobody’s having fun right now.)
No, I went with this game because the likely alternatives were kind of crummy:
- Hell Is Real – Actually, hell is midtable in the Eastern Conference and kinda “meh.”
- NYCFC vs. Chicago – Both teams are actually pretty good, but I just put Chicago in this slot last week. And besides, even though I won’t get to use them anymore after this season, I’ve made enough Yankee Stadium jokes for one lifetime.
And well, this is an old-school MLS rivalry. And as is their custom whenever they host the Gals, the Quakes will be hosting the game at Stanford Stadium. You know, the 1994 World Cup venue up the road that they have to pay to rent, as opposed to their usual soccer-specific stadium that their owner paid a lot of money to build. And when LAFC comes to town in September, they’ll play at the San Francisco Bay Area Stadium Levi’s Stadium.
But the Gals aren’t the only ones who have come out of the gate a bit slowly. The Quakes got beaten down in their own house on Wednesday night 4-0 by Orlando City. Yes, THAT Orlando City. I can understand the confusion, given they hadn’t yet shut any opponent out this season, but they apparently made the most of their World Cup break and learned that you are allowed to keep your opponent from scoring.
So yeah, two teams, three games since the return to play, three losses by a combined score of 10-1. Hey, I never promised you that this slot would always feature teams playing like well-oiled machines. But at least it’s the WALMART 💥 SATURDAY 💥 SHOWDOWN 💥💥💥.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. Hopefully, something stupid like 3-3 or 4-4 or 5-5.
Little Brother Game of the Week
Houston Dynamo vs. Austin FC (Apple TV, 7:30)
Yes, it’s the semiannual Little Brother Slapfight, this time in the Bayou City.
In my ✌extensive research✌ for this week’s column, I went and had a look at Major League Soccer Soccer dot com to see what sort of foolishness their writers were up to. There, I found the following blurb about Wednesday night’s Little Brother Orange-DC game:
Houston Dynamo FC and D.C. United drew 1-1. Héctor Herrera gave Houston a first-half lead before Tai Baribo’s 78th-minute header equalized for D.C. United. Houston outshot D.C. United 20-9, but D.C. United’s Sean Johnson made four saves. *
Well, thanks for that summary that doesn’t give you any more insight than what I got from looking at the game summary. But see that asterisk? Let’s roll down to the bottom of the page…
* Portions of this content were generated with the assistance of artificial intelligence and we review frequently for accuracy and quality.
Well, that explains that. Well done, MLSbot. You’re not making me miss the actual human writers that the league laid off AT ALL. The blurb for the Little Brother Green’s 3-1 win over Seattle was similarly insightful, for the record.
Since the Hatewatching Guide is free of AI slop and full of artisanally-crafted, human-generated slop, I’ll just tell you that as a fan of the Kings of Texas, watching these two clown cars collide in front of a few fans clad in orange and a few fans clad in green — err, verde — will be more or less like this for me:
Fight, bozos, fight. Yes, McConaughey groupies, we know that you’ve got a real, live, competent coach on his way at the end of the season. But ask yourselves: Why is he content to sit at home and collect a paycheck for not coaching the Philadelphia Union, rather than join your obviously marquee club?
One wonders. Oh yes, I know there are probably reasons that are made available for public consumption, but you know, and I know that those reasons typically disappear with the proper amount of money.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw.
Sickos Game of the Week
Los Angeles FC vs. Sporting Kansas City (Apple TV, 9:30)
This is LAFC’s schedule for MLS’ return to play:
- July 17 – at LA Galaxy
- July 22 – vs. Real Salt Lake
- July 25 – vs. Kansas City
- August 1 – at Vancouver
- August 5 – vs. Chivas (Leagues Cup)
- August 8 – vs. Toluca (Leagues Cup)
- August 12 vs. Querétaro (Leagues Cup)
- August 15 vs. San Diego
- August 19 at Colorado
An astute eye will note that they only leave LA once in the first month after the World Cup, and they don’t actually leave the Pacific Time Zone until that Colorado game. Now maybe they’ll have to hit the road during the Leagues Cup knockout phase, but man, that is a cushy schedule. Son Heung-Min is probably checking to see if he can participate in next week’s All-Star Game festivities virtually.
Speaking of Son, congratulations to him for finally scoring his first goal of the season last weekend against the Gals and scoring another one on Wednesday night against Salt Lake. And thank you for saving me from spending the money to register HasSonScoredYet.com. (Still available!)
But enough about the Fightin’ Will Ferrells. Let’s talk about Sporting Kansas City. I have a confession to make: I kinda miss Peter Vermes. Don’t get me wrong. The guy was a schmuck on the sidelines, and it was always fun to see him turn various shades of red and purple when things were going badly for his team. But… he served as something enduring in this league, sort of like the tape that was stuck in Marshall’s tape deck:
Now the Sporks just suck. And while it’s fun to watch them suck, it was even more fun to watch them suck while Peter Vermes had to watch it from their bench week in and week out, fuming for 90 minutes each time, broken only by his hollering at the ref and at his players.
I like to imagine that he’s hollering at kids on his block now and that when LAFC is beating SKC down on Saturday night, he’ll be fuming while watching the spectacle.
Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: LAFC
Good Guys Game of the Week
San Diego FC vs. FC Dallas (FS1 and Apple TV, 8:30)
You might note that this game is starting a little bit earlier than you might expect for a West Coast. Well, we can thank FS1 for that. No, I’m not watching FS1 for this game. I’m getting my money’s worth out of my Apple TV subscription. Besides, I just got done spending a month not watching Fox’s soccer coverage for the World Cup. What makes you think that I’d do it now?
This is FC Dallas’ second game this season against San Diego. The first was back on March 14, and in case you’ve forgotten what happened at the Toyota Stadium Construction Site, San Diego went up 2-0, then 3-1, and FCD managed to come back to get the 3-3 draw.
Since then, however, things have gone a bit poorly for San Diego. Not only did they get beaten down 4-0 the following Wednesday night, but they won only one of their next 12 games. That win was a 5-0 home win over Little Brother Green on May 13. During that stretch, they collected five red cards. They now sit in 13th in the West.
And the season started so well before that: Three wins out of three in MLS play with nary a goal conceded, a 4-2 aggregate win over Pumas in the first round of the CONCACAF Champions Cup, and a 3-2 home win over Toluca in the Round of 16 of the CONCACAF Champions Cup. Then they went to Frisco. If you’re a San Diego fan with certain metaphysical beliefs, you could be forgiven for thinking that a door to another dimension was opened in the second half of that game at Toyota Stadium. If you’re an FCD with those metaphysical beliefs, you might tell them that the door’s always been open.
I do not have those metaphysical beliefs. I just see a road game at the home of the 13th place team in the West and an opportunity to rack up points on this interminable road trip. I see this guy leading the charge into Snapdragon Stadium:
I see opportunity for the Road Dawgs to chow down against a team that’s down bad.
Mikey Varas might think about sending a fruit basket to Chucky Lozano because he’s a lot closer to leaving San Diego than Chucky is.