I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann, and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.
Last week Last month Two months ago
I had to look who FCD played the last time they played, even though it was the one game a year I’m actually in the house to watch them live. Yes, it was their 2-1 win over the Rapids in the shadow of the Suncor refinery in Commerce City. So I get to use this meme to sum up my reaction to that:
But let’s talk about the fact that FCD’s last game was two freaking months ago. This time next year, MLS is gonna be changing its calendar to have its season run from July to May. Now, some dingbats online will say that it’s better because Europe blahblahblah, when everyone know that it’s to grease the transfer market for MLS clubs. My question is this:
Why aren’t we doing it right now?
To be honest, anything that happened before the World Cup break seems like it was a whole damn other season. And that World Cup break was almost as long as the usual offseason between the beginning of December to the end of February. So why didn’t MLS just make the spring of 2026 its sprint season, and start its new calendar now?
I’m sure it’s because of contracts with players and business partners and whatever, but surely they could’ve figured that out. On the other hand, our team is owned by Clark and Dan Hunt, who won’t even have the new-and-improved Toyota Stadium ready when MLS does flip the calendar next year, so maybe I shouldn’t have my expectations too high for anyone, just because they’ve a gorillion dollars at their disposal.
EL SUPERCLÁSICO DEL SIGLO (de la semana)
Inter Miami vs. Chicago Fire (Apple TV, 6:30)
This past Saturday night, Chicago was supposed to have the home debut of their new signing Robert Lewandowski against his old Bayern Munich teammate Thomas Müller when the Vancouver Whitecaps were supposed to come to Soldier Field.
I used “supposed to” twice in that sentence because as we know, the game was postponed due to poor air quality due to the wildfires in Canada. Allow me to be the 1028th person online to note the irony of a Chicago Fire home game being postponed due to an actual fire. So the big reunion will take place at a later date.
Instead, Lewa will make his Fire debut in Miami, at Nu Stadium, which comedic talents greater than mine could turn into a “Who’s on First” style routine:
“Chicago and Miami will be playing on Wednesday night at Nu Stadium in Miami.”
“What’s the name of the new stadium in Miami?”
“Nu Stadium.”
“Yeah, I know the stadium is new. What its name?”
“Nu Stadium.”
(etc.)
But three players will not be on the field:
- Lionel Messi, who did NOT have a World Cup break and whose back I’m sure is awfully sore from carrying Argentina to the final.
- Casemiro, who just signed with Inter Miami on Wednesday and obviously will not be in uniform quite yet.
- Hugo Cuypers, whom we last saw on top of the goalscoring charts, but we will now see in LigaMX matches for Monterrey after the Fire sold him to Los Rayados for $7.5 million.
And while I’d normally joke about Inter Miami’s quest to have a Starting XI that was all north of 30, I can’t… at least not this week. Instead, I will just take a few moments to note the hilariousness of selling a 29-year-old striker who is more or less in the prime of his career and who had scored 13 goals through half a season, because you signed a 37-year-old superstar at the same position.
For those of you who weren’t around for Ye Olden Days of MLS, this is the type of crap that teams did all the time. When the team came into the league in ’98, Chicago came signed a few of Polish and Eastern European players, because… Chicago has a lot of Polish and Eastern European people. Now, it worked out pretty well for the Fire because they had a darn good coach in Bob Bradley and he was given a lot of freedom to sign players for a team didn’t have any players, and they won MLS Cup in the first season.
Meanwhile, Gregg Berhalter is a good coach — not quite as good as Bradley, in my opinion, but good — but you cannot tell me that Berhalter was sitting there with a striker in the prime of his career who was leading the league in scoring and said, “Yes, let’s replace him with a 37-year-old Barcelona castoff just because he’s Polish.”
At least when Miami signed their Barcelona castoff in his late ’30s, it wasn’t just because he was Argentine.
Good Guys Game of the Week
FC Dallas vs. Portland Timbers (Apple TV, 8:30)
Portland decided that they were gonna work on themselves during the break. They fired Phil Neville, freeing Neville up to engage with his real passion, writing:
This was right before England faced Argentina in the semifinal, and it was going great for England… until it didn’t. Oh well. That’s at least four more years until we’re being compelled to remember the Falklands War again.
Anyhow, Portland’s interim coach, Jack Cassidy, really ingratiated himself to the Portland faithful in the best way possible, leading the Timbers to a 5-1 win in Seattle on Saturday night in his first game in charge.
Despite that result, Cassidy will soon be returning to his day job coaching Portland Timbers 2 because the Timbers have hired Martí Cifuentes as their new permanent head coach and Cifuentes will be starting sometime Real Soon Now. Almost certainly not in time for this game, so Cassidy will get to bolster his resumé against FC Dallas.
But looking at Cifuentes, my first thought was “Hmmm, that was quite a reach.” (Actually, it was initially “Really? This guy?” but I’m trying to be a little more understanding and open-minded these days.) His resumé has been a bunch of stints of a year or two, tops. His most recent gig was the six months he had in charge at Leicester City from July 2025 until January 2026. Prior to that it was two years at Queens Park Rangers which ended “by mutual consent.” Before that, it was a year or two apiece in Sweden, Denmark, and Norway. And before that, some lower-division clubs in his native Catalonia.
So… quite a reach. But hey, he’s still an improvement over his predecessor, who managed to get himself fired in Miami right before Lionel Messi, Jordi Alba, and Sergi Busquets arrived, and managed to get himself fired in Portland after running off Evander and Santi Moreno and leading them steadily down the table over the course of two and half seasons.
Speaking of Mr. Moreno, it’ll mark his first return to Portland after pulling a Fabián Castillo and forcing a transfer to Fluminense. I’m sure that the Portland fans will welcome him back warmly, understanding perfectly why somebody would rather be in Rio than someplace where the sun shines only occasionally during the year. And in return, Santi should return their warm greetings with a demonstration of skill and goal-scoring prowess.