The FC Dallas fan’s hatewatching guide to Week 32 of MLS

I’m Dustin “El Jefe” Christmann and I am an FC Dallas fanatic from Day One of the Dallas Burn. I’m also a hater. I used to yell mean, hateful things from the stands at the Cotton Bowl and Toyota Stadium, but now, I’m sharing my id with you to help guide you, my fellow FCD fans, in your enjoyment of Major League Soccer on TV.

I’m still on vacation, so this’ll once again be fairly light. But don’t worry, I’ve still got all the hateworthy games covered.

Last week

A bunch of games happened during midweek, I guess?

No seriously, FCD was off while most of the rest of the league played so a lot fewer teams have a game in hand on FCD.

One of those teams, Real Salt Lake, lost Hurray! But they lost in Austin, so thanks again for nothing, Fightin’ Mastroenis.

LAFC and Minnesota drew, which was good for FCD. LAFC has been mathematically out of reach for FCD for a couple of weeks, but Minnesota is one of the throng chasing FCD and turned their game in hand into a single point.

Finally, the Galaxy got their heads handed to them in Vancouver, which was also very good for FCD.

In all, not a terrible night off for our heroes.

Saturday

Kansas City vs. Minnesota (ESPN+, 7:30)

I almost feel sorry for Adrian Heath. LAFC came to St. Paul and his boys fought them like dogs, only to have two points stolen through a Carlos Vela golazo. Of course, since they’re now riding a four-game winless streak at a pretty crummy time to have a winless streak, Heath did what a lot of managers in his situation do: Blame the refs.

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Look, gaffer, your team’s been in a bad way and you just got a point off the best team in the West. Take that point and move on. No need to agitate the league office, but sure, Adrian, wave a red cape in front of them.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw. I mean, I’d normally root for a loss, but they’re playing Kansas City who deserve nothing at any time.

The broccoli celebrate a Moussa Djitté hat trick. (Courtesy Austin FC)

Austin vs. Nashville (ESPN+, 8:00)

The great thing about our broccoli enthusiasts friends down I-35 is that they make my life so easy by pretending every mildly interesting moment is truly momentous, much like your average new parent. But like little Kaylee’s first time pooping on the toilet is pretty much only interesting to Kaylee’s parents, the First Hat Trick in Austin FC History is pretty much interesting only to Austin’s neckbeardy fans. (Sorry, Moussa Djitté.)

But I’ll clown them and you’ll laugh, and we’ll all have a good time.

And speaking of neckbeardy fans, Austin’s opponent this week is Nashville, whose fans have largely managed to be less annoying in their new team enthusiasm. They’ve got Soccer Moses. Who doesn’t love Soccer Moses? But Nashville’s hot on FCD’s butt, so while it would greatly amuse me to see Nashville grind Austin into a fine paste again like they did a few weeks ago, we for both teams to walk away from this with a less-than-satisfactory resolution.

Jefe the Hater’s rooting pick: Draw, and that we get to see the intense disappointment from 20,000 verde-clad folks as Hany Mukhtar steals Baby’s First MVP from them.

San Jose vs. FCD (Ch. 21, 9:30)

MLS has several owners who are also owners of other North American major league sports. Some of them have been successful, like Arthur Blank.

At the other end is John Fisher, who owns the Earthquakes and the Oakland A’s. Fisher is quite possibly the worst owner in North American sports. Since he bought the A’s in 2005, the team has been in a death spiral. The team doesn’t spend any money, doesn’t draw any fans to the Oakland Coliseum, and has had a problem with raw sewage flooding at the Colisseum whenever it rains.

Raw sewage seems like a bit of a metaphor for Fisher’s other team, the Earthquakes, who since their resurrection in 2008, have made the playoffs four times in 15 years. They don’t spend any money on players either, and while PayPal Park is in better shape than the Oakland Coliseum, the quality of the product on the field is just as dreadful. True to form, they’re once again at the bottom of the West.

Meanwhile, things are quite a bit better for your heroes. A win on Saturday night and they’re in the MLS playoffs in 2022, and they’re a bit closer to hosting a first-round game at Fortress Frisco.

In the words of a guy who used to spend a lot of time at the Oakland Coliseum:

“Just win, baby.”

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