To celebrate Christmas this year, Santa is giving every FC Dallas player a gift of what they need to succeed. Here is what each player is getting.
Bryan Acosta – a net
In 2019 and 2020, FC Dallas ball boys spent a grand total of one hundred thirty two (132) minutes retrieving Bryan Acosta’s long shots from the stands. This net will cut down on time spent retrieving his shots as well as give him more time to practice them.
Michael Barrios – confidence
While it may not be the extra height that was promised, it is what he needs most after his woeful 2020 season. His lone goal this year was a header and in the other 20 matches he played he amassed an xG of 4.6, needless to say, a huge underperformance. If he is to regain his confidence in front of net he could once again become the Barrios that fullbacks fear.
Another option for his gift could have been something to reverse his even-year curse that seems to plague him [need to hyperlink to an article about him underperforming].
Bressan – a social media filter
For those who are not aware, Bressan left behind a fanbase that was more or less furious against him in Gremio. A social media filter to block out angry Gremio fans would probably help his inner peace.
Nkoski Burgess – an opportunity
Nkoski Burgess has not received ample opportunities since signing his homegrown contract, but christmas may have come early for the defender, as the departure of Callum Montgomery to Minnesota United will likely land Burgess in the 4th CB spot.
Edwin Cerrillo – his goal versus Union Omaha on an eternal loop
A strike so good it made the Sportscenter top 10.
Justin Che – whatever Burgess got
Justin Che had a remarkable 2020 season for North Texas SC, playing all 10 matches at the tender age of 16. His breakthrough season rewarded him with a homegrown contract with FC Dallas. The future may well be bright for young Justin, who will be eager for first team opportunities in 2021.
Jesus Ferreira – Consistency
Jesus Ferreira saw many, many position changes during 2020, for his development to continue, some consistency in positioning would likely be of huge benefit for him.
Matt Hedges – a statue
Matt Hedgoat has been a stalwart for FC Dallas for the majority of the past decade and he deserves a statue out front of the stadium. Make it gold. Actually make it silver just so we don’t remind people of his 2016 gold cup appearances.
Ryan Hollingshead – MLS Best XI
ITS WHAT HE DESERVES!!
Franco Jara – a visit the ghost of maxi urrutti past
Yeah not so much of a gift as it is a stern reminder that mediocrity in attack gets you shipped to Quebec with no further discussion.
Jose Martinez – people to ask him about Messi
Really couldn’t imagine a better ice breaker when joining a new club than the fact that you played with the greatest of all time at one point.
Jimmy Maurer – GKOTY recognition
There was a shocking silence across the media in regards to Maurer’s performances in 2020. MLS media and co could not be silenced about Andre Blake and Matt Turner, but when it comes to on field performances Maurer mentions were near non existent.
Im looking at you, Doyle…
Phelipe Megiolaro – an invite to Neymar’s eSports team
Neymar is a shockingly good Counter Strike: Global Offensive.
Eddie Munjoma – Reynolds to Europe.
Opens up a spot for Eddie to shine at RB.
Johnny Nelson – deeper pockets
After a match versus Sporting Kansas, Johnny Nelson reportedly had trouble walking, this was because he had a 160 lbs man in his pocket named Johnny Russell.
Jader Obran – a cool nickname
Yeah if only this new signing had a cool nickname…
“Jader ‘El Soldado’ Obran”
Yup Christmas must havecame early for ‘The Soldier’
Ricardo Pepi – coal
Not because he’s on the naughty list, but because he is a steam-powered locomotive known as ‘El Tren‘
Paxton Pomykal – 25,000 ibuprofen tablets
Just to ensure he remains pain free for the 2021 season.
Big Bad Bryan Reynolds – to not be in the deepest position in the USMNT pool
The USMNT has a sudden wealth of right back options at the moment, with Reynolds, Reggie Cannon, and Serginho Dest all vying for the position. An additional gift would be for Dest to decide to play LB for the USMNT.
Andres Ricuarte – the back angle of his volley to not exist
It was such a beautiful goal until the camera from the opposite side of the field showed a deflection that made it such a perfect shot.
Thomas Roberts- a bloody jacket m8
Noone told Tommy it was gonna be so bloody cold up in scotland for the winter. Poor lad needs about 10 extra layers to keep from freezing.
Thiago Santos – for referees to see him as a 5’8″ Colombian man named Diego Chara
Thiago Santos does not always have a long leash with referees, receiving 8 yellow cards in 2020. An infamous Colombian midfielder from Portland Timbers FC tends to get away without punishment or yellow cards seemingly every match he plays.
Brandon Servania – to be the next FC Dallas RB
I mean FC Dallas right backs have had a tremendous amount of success in the past year and given his attacking ability as well as defensive attributes as a midfielder, a deeper position change could benefit his career given the FC Dallas stack of midfielders.
Dante Sealy – a loose seal
Likely won at army.
Tanner Tessmann – a novelty CFB championship trophy
“Sorry that you didn’t get to win a trophy in soccer this year bro 🙁 here is our cool football trophy.”
Ema Twumasi – for Luchi Gonzalez to remember he exists
Twumasi was fantastic as a sub in the playoff game in Portland after spending the regular season in another city.
Kyle Zobeck – for the alphabet to be reversed
“It gets lonely at the bottom” is something Kyle Zobeck might say if was asked about being at the bottom alphabetically. “Cant relate” is what I would respond. I mean look at my last name.
FC Dallas Fans – anything but a playoff game in Cascadia
“Death by Cascadia” needs to stop. Its not funny anymore. plz santa make it stop.